FRIENDSHIPS

Charles Colton said..."True friendship is like good health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost."  I love pithy sayings...especially when they are true. This one is.

I've thought a lot about friendships through the years. This is partly because as a pastor I was always finding people [sometimes it seemed like most of them] in the churches I pastored who wanted to be my best friend. How in the world can anyone be a best friend to everyone? In fact, can a pastor have a best friend in a congregation? Or even a real friend? These are not questions with easy answers as I found out in my own journey as a pastor.

I've come to see, in my simple way of thinking, that there may be several levels to friendships. People can be found on every level but all people WILL NEVER be found on any one level in my opinion. I want to name and describe those levels as I see them. Some are just fun and light while some are serious. All are just my simple way of thinking about the subject with no research involved. 

There is the Face Book/blog level. This is where you communicate with someone you have perhaps never met but have befriended on FB or a blog. You enjoy their comments and even occasionally you enjoy writing on their Wall or blog as you follow their journey of life in writing. It's fun, informative, safe [generally] and you really do get to know a lot about some people and can count them as friends to a small degree. 


I've also found that when an occasion presents itself where you meet them personally there can be an instant bond. Rex Ray and Rodney Sprayberry are two of my now personal friendships that came about in this fashion. Some people discount this level as totally unimportant, but, for me, it has been a good experience.

There is also a personal acquaintance level. This is made up of people you've met before and maybe even recognize their face when you see them again, but are unsure where you met them or how you know them or even what their name might be. You usually ask your wife, as I have on many occasions when I walk away, "Who are they?" Unfortunately, many people I pastored in forty years of pastoring fall into this category. But... they don't know it...and I don't want to tell them either. I'm too chicken to do that.

Then there IS the real friendship level. This is where you know them, relate to them, hear from them, see them occasionally, and are, generally, glad to be with them when those occasions do happen. 


I say "generally" because there are exceptions. Not everyone on this level is the kind of person you completely enjoy as a friend. There are a couple of types that find their way to this level and one of those types can give you some problems. But the other is a delight. 

The delightful one first. They see themselves on a level ground with you and require little maintenance. They are enjoyable, interesting, a fun person to be around and you smile big when you see them and love to catch up. This type you really view as a friend. You're there if they need you and they are there for you on occasion as well. A lot of the people in any congregation can be found here.

The other person on this level is a different story. They are high maintenance. They are always needy and looking for something that will fix their particular situation whatever that may be. It seems to always be a broken situation. They "pick your brain," so to speak, about what you think they should do about life, kids, job, health, ministry, whatever that broken situation is at the time. 


This is not the kind of friend that you talk to about YOUR struggles as that would only add to their list of broken things and they would feel abandoned by the loss of your help. [We weren't really talking about your problems!!]  So there is, of course,  little or no regard for your struggles. There can't be. Their list is long enough already.

This person drains you quickly. You don't mind helping WHEN you can because of a desire to help WHERE you can, but, you have to guard against an unhealthy dependency that can occur and sometimes can even masquerade as Christian ministry because it makes you feel good to be someone's source for the answers to life. 


But, since there is no reciprocity, you will always be the one giving to the relationship and never being replenished by it. Thus, creating an unhealthy and unwise relationship. When you are totally honest you have to admit this person wears you out and is not one you relish being around for any extended length of time if you don't play that masquerade Christianity game.  Unfortunately, I've found that many church members can be found in this category particularly where a Pastor is concerned.

My final category is made up of people who are friends in the truest sense of the word. They are on the life long friendship level. This is the person who is on an equal basis with you and there is total reciprocity in the relationship. 


Here is what that reciprocity looks like. You love them and they love you. You're there for them when they need you, and they for you when needed. When they fail, you don't abandon them, nor they you. You know their weaknesses and strengths and cherish both because it's who they are in their journey and you're with them in it all, and they with you. 

When you are not together for some time, but then you see them, it is as though no time has gone by and there is no distance to make up in the relationship because no gap has arisen. There are no expectations about writing, calling, or a list kept of who communicated last and waiting until it's your turn. 


If you want to talk you call. If you don't call they may. But no record is kept of who has or hasn't called or written. No feelings are hurt because you didn't acknowledge them in some way or think about some situation the same way as they do. You're friends and you love each other and love doesn't keep records.  

You find yourself experiencing, when with them, being happy, angry, laughing, crying, agreeing, disagreeing, and a ton of other authentic emotions all with the relationship intact. In them you really have found someone who sticks "closer than a brother." They are your life long friend and will be until the day you or they die. [There may even be family members who are on this level.] 

You know...while writing this I realized why my wife is my best friend and I also realized that there are a few others I count can as being life long friends.They are, indeed,  a treasure.

"True friendship is like good health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost" My wish for you is that your true friendships will prosper as does your health. Mine are and I'm thankful for His grace that allows it to be so. 

Paul B.