DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES PART I

Two friends totally different in personalities, preferences, and patterns of behavior [see previous post] yet enjoying several days together on a long motorcycle trip. How is that possible? This is the first of several posts examining that possibility and consequently examining some guiding principles for healthy relationships. I do not claim training in the realm of psychology, though I've studied to some degree, and I certainly am not advocating behaviorism as a proper way to build relationships. I'm not promoting or debunking anyone's worldview. I'm simply sharing some things generally learned the hard way and tested against a lifetime of family and ministry relationships with some research along the way both biblically and otherwise.

This is not a research paper so I'm not interested in detailing footnotes of where information was gleaned. I just want to talk about some important things I've learned about getting along with people and learning to change so that can happen. I will say at the outset that His power and wisdom are the necessary foundation not to mention sharing in His very life and Word. That's a given.

That said...two friends totally different enjoying several days together on a long motorcycle trip and being good friends when it is over...how is that possible?

It takes... a recognition. To recognize there is no good verses bad in personalities and preferences is essential. This would certainly imply no right or wrong either since good is right and bad is wrong by definition...any sane definition. When two people each choose to see the other as just different with no moral judgement as to good or bad you pave the way for amiable times together. I'm not speaking here of biblical statements about certain behaviors that are stated to be good or bad. But I'm speaking of relationship skills that learn to establish guiding principles for actions or behaviors not addressed in scripture that are present in any relationship. How much time you take to gas a bike. Whether you laugh loudly, softly, or not at all. Where you put your things when done with them could be examples. To recognize each as free to be how and who they are without determining one is right and the other is wrong is foundational.

It takes...restriction. Boundaries are necessary for good relationships. Every front door of a home establishes a boundary that must not be crossed without invitation for there to exist a wholesomeness between people. You come into my home upon my invitation only. Such boundaries can become weapons to control people and can lead to isolationism if one desires, but when desiring a a legitimate relationship be it friend, spouse, church member, or whatever, boundaries are needed.

To illustrate, on my motorcycle trip my brother-in-law and I established, as we always do, a boundary...that in conversations we would NOT shame, condemn or try to fix each other in any fashion. Statements like..."I can't believe you said/did that," [shame] "I don't believe you should think that way," [condemn] "It would be better if you would think/say it this way" [Fixing] are all out of bounds. You will notice they all involve the second person pronoun "you" directed at the other ones actions, words, or thoughts in some manner. This is generally heard for what is is by all except the one saying it.

An aside. In my Pastors and Wives seminars we add the principle...you cannot speak FOR the other person in conversation. You wouldn't believe how hard it is for preachers to talk in company of their wives without saying "my wife and I think...", "my wife and I feel...". Letting her speak for herself is almost unheard of in ministerial circles.If you think either of these examples is easy try it for one day between you and your spouse. No shaming, no condemning, no fixing make up this first boundary. {You can add no speaking for the other person and it's healthier.]

Two things happen, among a lot of other things, when this boundary is in place in a relationship by mutual agreement. One is that each is incredibly free to express opinions without fear of winding up low man or woman on the intelligence pole. For that matter it creates an equality that education, experience or training, or lack thereof, cannot/does not take away. Being in the ministry doesn't give automatic credibility nor does being a man as opposed to being a woman give credibility were we to be speaking of healthy marriage relationships. Even when talking theology this guiding principle truly guides to healthy relationships.

The other thing that happens is when one says something that might be silly or baseless or even false, given time to reflect, with no one pointing out a supposed error in it, one can learn to challenge their own ideas/thoughts and change can take place. It's called "personal growth" for a reason.

The above does not negate one in the relationship asking for assessment or input. That isn't fixing. That's stepping into another's home by invitation. You can even request to share a thought that might help, but if the offer is declined...don't. Even here it is just an opinion of the one who is asked for suggestions. This is because the purpose is information not fixing the problem.

It becomes...respect. When there is genuine respect the relationship can flourish. It will not be with out failures and apologies and work, but both are agreed to the boundary being present and it guides the relationship along.

I'm in a marriage that can only be described by what I've just written. Not fully accomplished yet, but by all means, well on the journey. [If I tried to say it's accomplished she would just tell you the truth about it.] I'm in relationship with four grown children and their spouses with whom this style of relating is coming to fruition. I have a few friendships where this is experienced with commitment. I've been in a few [very few] churches where this is being learned. But be learned it must for real relationships to grow between people who are really different from one another. More to come on this topic.


Paul