THE PREMISE FOR RELATIONAL BOUNDARIES__SUMMER RERUN #3

I am learning to develop boundaries which scripturally guide my uniqueness , responsibilities, and freedom as a person and which become, to me, something of an indication of the health of any relationship. These boundaries enable me to be who I really am with God, myself and others rather than pretending to be who I am not or trying to be the way people wish I were. These boundaries allow any relationship to be built on the truth that says this is where I begin and you end and where you begin and I end. These are not to be viewed as rules but as a map by which we can, in truth, maintain a healthy relationship as we walk our journey of grace with one another.

The idea of boundaries in relationships is based on a certain premise. It would be helpful to remember that the word "premise" is defined as..."a statement or proposition from which another is inferred or follows as a conclusion : if the premise is true, then the conclusion must be true."

The premise for my belief in the legitimacy of boundaries in relationships is what I call my "Core Beliefs." These are not theological beliefs per se but relational core beliefs that include some theological truths. Because I'm speaking as a Christian, my own personal relational boundaries begin with the premise that the most important relationship I have is the one I have with the One who made me and redeemed me from a fallen state as a human being. All relationships begin and extend from mine with Him.

Let me give a simple list of these core beliefs to which I hold and that result or lead logically and correctly, I believe, into boundaries. It would help if you hear these as concepts and not rules. These are the green lights/red lights that make for a safe and gracious journey in relationships. This is my list only....

One---I'm created in His image, as is every human being, and have been created to have a real and healthy personal relationship with Him, myself and others. Relationships are to be emphasized in that order. 

Two---Any thing that mars or hinders His image in me is to be seen as less than His purpose for me as a person. This is why sin had to be dealt with as only He could. This is also why unhealthy and controlling relationships, on my part or on the part of others, are less than His purpose for me. 

Three--My personhood includes my body, mind, emotions, will, spirit, in other words, my whole being. His Spirit has set me free to exercise, in freedom, all faculties that make up my person recognizing the, ever present, sin principle in me that remains until the resurrection.

Four--Any relationship that would rob me of personal responsibility for any portion of my personhood as a Christian is to be questioned and seen as unhealthy, if not harmful!

Five--A significant factor in building any healthy relationship is that it is to reflect what we are "being" in that relationship and not what we are "doing" in it. Relationships that are healthy depend on how we function in grace and truth not on how we perform in roles.

Six---The overriding purpose in my having other relationships, whether marriage or church or friend, is so I can mirror what He and I have together relationally. In order to be to others what He is being to me, it is essential that I not ignore the boundaries that are necessary for other relationships to be, in fact, healthy and mutually satisfying, rather than unhealthy and controlling.

That is a list of my core beliefs for relationships that I have put together for me as a Christian. They are a guiding light for whatever relationship I might choose to built whether it is in marriage, immediate family, extended family, in-laws, friendships, church, work, or as a citizen of a nation or world.

Someone is going to think, if not say out loud, "What about just living by the golden rule?" These core beliefs are the golden rule translated into relationship language for me.

Someone is going to think, if not say out loud, "Don't the scriptures tell us to love God with all our heart, mind, and strength and our neighbor as ourselves? Why make it so complicated."

This is simply that put in relational language for me after giving serious thought to my responsibility for being what I've been redeemed to be as a human being. 

I've always wondered why a young couple will spend months planning a wedding, shopping for a dress, sending invitations, arranging plane trips, booking hotel rooms, getting tuxedos, preparing food, all for an event that lasts about 45 minutes as a ceremony and 2 hours as a reception but never spend any time looking into or investigating what it takes to really live together as man and wife in a healthy and gracious way!!

It seems to me the importance of a marriage demands a bit more thoughtfulness than just planning the ceremony. This, especially if you intend for the marriage to last a lifetime and be beneficial for both while portraying something of their relationship as the Church to her Bridegroom. The same can be said of any legitimate relationship into which you enter.

If relationships are so important, and they are, some thoughtful examination may need to be done. That examination has to have a measuring stick so you can know of its' health with regards to God's purpose.

I said earlier that I believe Southern Baptist spend hours, even years, building theological systems, yet little time learning or building relationship skills. So we've wound up with heads full of truths, theologically, but little in terms of solid, healthy, biblically gracious relationships. 

Thus, we have people who can state correct biblical facts, even doctrinally, yet be angry, egotistical, mean-spirited, controlling, individuals with the people around them, whether that is family or church, yet all the while thinking they are being champions of the Faith. If they only knew. 

This is my attempt to help us learn some skills that I believe are lacking. Thus, the premise for boundaries that enable healthiness and mutual benefit is what I'm addressing here. "If the premise is true, then the conclusion must be true." 

The conclusion next time.


Paul B.

THE PURPOSE OF RELATIONAL BOUNDARIES___SUMMER RERUN # TWO

The purpose of anything is of primary importance. To know that the purpose of a clock is to tell time will always help in defining whether something is actually a clock or not. A beautiful gadget, pink with flowers and large hands, as well as small ones, hanging on a wall, doth not a clock make. If it isn't telling time it may be called a clock, but you would have to use other adjectives in speaking of it also. Words like broken, no good, useless, or even, "It's pretending to be a clock," But it isn't fulfilling the purpose of a real clock.

This means the purpose of boundaries is a very important for us to know. If we know the purpose in having them it will create an awareness of when people use unflattering words when speaking of boundaries like unchristian, barriers, roadblocks, anti-scriptural, and such, they are speaking of something other than real boundaries. Some people do use those kinds of words when speaking of boundaries, and even worse. Whether their descriptive words are legitimate or not depends on the purpose for boundaries it would seem to me.

Setting boundaries in human relationships is really simply about learning to be responsible for one's own choices and feelings. In simple terms, boundaries are, "For the purpose of taking personal responsibility for my part of any relationship that I might have with another, no matter what happens to that relationship or who is involved." It is this purpose that would reveal whether a boundary is legitimate or is actually a barrier, wall, or an element of manipulation or something else.

Healthy boundaries will allow for the development of healthy relationships where we can be genuinely close but neither person is losing themselves or smothering the other person.  To lose yourself to another person is more cult-like than it is Christian and allows someone to be Lord of your life rather than Jesus being your Lord. To smother another person is to assume Lordship over them and is also cultic and not Christian.

So you can see boundaries help you know how you may have crossed an unhealthy line in doing for someone else that for which they are really responsible or the acceptance of others doing for you that for which you are really responsible. Thus, healthy boundaries can bring about healthy relationships for both whether in a marriage, parent-child, friend, work, or church membership context.

Illustrations always help me in understanding things. How about your door? The front door is a boundary. It is saying to whomever it is approaching, "This is as far as you can come without permission!" I know some people leave their door open and unlocked perhaps, but I would think that is somewhat dangerous for their family in most situations in our present society. We can argue all day that it USED to be done or that it OUGHT to be able to be done. But the fact is, it can't healthily be done in our present day and good safety be present for your family. That door also acts as a boundary if there are small children inside who need to be protected from going out into a busy street.

Were someone to take it upon themselves to come in your closed and locked door without asking permission or waiting for your invitation, it's called breaking and entering. It's a crime. I think it's a crime in relationships to act that way as well.

Now, apply this to Jesus saying to the rich young ruler what was needed in answer to his question and remember that he went away sorrowfully. Remember also that there is no indication Jesus went after him any more than Jesus went after the folks in Jerusalem when He would have gathered them to Himself but they would not. Then there is the prodigal son who had wasted all and was in the pig pen and had to come to himself without the father jumping in and cleaning up his mess for him.

The father DID NOT clean up his mess at all! He didn't even go after him!! Most parents who are always going after their kids and cleaning up their messes would describe their actions as loving actions, but the father of the prodigal would disagree. He would point out that kids need to face the consequences of their choices to be able to healthily "come to themselves" without which, true repentance will never come. True love is loving enough to not take on the responsibility that belongs to another.

I know in Luke 15 the woman swept and hunted for the coin and the Shepherd left the ninety and nine and went after the one. But the father didn't. Perhaps there is a point of healthy relationship being made here that we often do not see. I think that "perhaps" is correct.

What has just been illustrated is healthy boundaries. Remember our definition? Boundaries are for the purpose of taking personal responsibility for my part of any relationship I have with someone no matter what happens or who is involved. In the case of the rich young ruler or the prodigal son, it is not assuming their responsibility as my own. Same thing.

Some people learn this secret to good relationships in their family of origin. Some don't. They are adults before they learn. I'm in the second group. It can be painful and difficult to learn to live with healthy boundaries, but it was this that seems to reveal Jesus as never being a victim but always choosing to do what He believed was His responsibility and taking the consequences.

While we will never BE Jesus, we can BE Christ-like in our relationships and the pain and difficulty of learning such things as healthy boundaries are worth it in the long run. It's called real relationships.

Mary loves a saying she heard someone use years ago that stuck with her. I have come to love it too.  It goes this way...."You will never have a healthy relationship with anyone unless you are willing to lose that relationship." If you don't believe that statement ask the father of the prodigal. 

I believe that is part of the purpose for the freedom Adam and Eve had originally. They made a mess of what they were responsible for to be sure. But that's the reason we can have a healthy relationship with God today post-fall.

 He always enters into a relationship responsibly, if He chooses to have one, out of love, and He did, thus we have our message of the gospel. Then, when we take our responsibility of repentance and faith, if we choose to, a new healthy relationship is born. [I know and believe all the reformed theology about our willingness is by His power, but it doesn't negate our responsibility to do it at all.]  

Boundaries make for risky ventures into relationships. But pretend relationships, like pretty things that hang on a wall never telling time, won't do, if you need to know the time of day. We do need real relationships.

More next time.

Paul B.

RELATIONAL BOUNDARIES__SUMMER RERUN #1

Summertime is famous for TV reruns. Why not for blogs? What follows for the next four posts are some of my favorites as a 2012 summer re-run series. Here's the first of four...

Things to remember as you read what I'm going to say about boundaries in human relationships.

One...I believe the bible is the inspired, infallible, inerrant Word of God in its original manuscripts, and means what it means even when it gives statements whether recorded as from the devil, opinions of its writers, strange facts relating to early biblical cultures, or speaks on any issue which it addresses. All of it is accepted by me as God's Word given to me primarily for life and as the revelation about the One who is Himself, the Way, the Truth, and the life, and the final revelation of God.

Two...I'm theologically conservative and yet have found that I agree completely and totally with NO single theologian I've read or studied, living or dead. I fully expect this to be true for the rest of my journey. I'm also continuing to discover how I sometimes mistakenly interpreted the text concerning some of the non-salvific issues found in scripture. Those early interpretations of certain texts had to be adjusted later in my bible study journey as I restudied those texts and this too will continue I'm sure.

Three...While theologically sound in many ways, I'm convinced that most Southern Baptists are woefully ignorant of relational principles that are essential for building good human relationships and are, therefore, basically lacking in good healthy human relationships.

Four...I believe that relational principles are valid for life and are good for Christians to know even if they are not specifically stipulated or stated in scripture, as long as they do not violate scripture or are taught as if they are as sacred as scripture. In other words, any relational principle one might learn need NOT be viewed as an enemy just because it is NOT declared in the bible. But those non-biblical relational principles are NOT to be viewed as sacred either.  Just helpful if we choose to pay attention to them.

You may be thinking, "Why the disclaimer?"

It is because sometimes people who talk or write about human relationship in terms of relational principles are thought of as being unbiblical in their approach, or worse, being anti-scriptural, talking in psychological mumbo-jumbo, heretical, and a host of other less than Christian labels that have been used. So, I've identified who I am and what I believe from the start. Now reread the four points previously written if you choose. They will make a little more sense perhaps.

All this because my next post is going to deal with the relational principle of boundaries which, when first heard by a Christian, may sound as if it is unchristian to the core. It did to me a few years ago. I couldn't reconcile it with my view of a Christian serving God and people. I certainly couldn't reconcile it with my view of a crucified self and the scriptures telling me to turn the other cheek and when compelled to go a mile...go the extra mile... by choice for crying out loud. Boundaries? I didn't think so.

But what brought about a different way of thinking was when I discovered that some of my ways of being a servant to others were  not really ways of loving THEM at all and were, in fact, doing great damage to them. I also discovered, much to my dismay, that some of the service I was doing as a Christian was actually for MYSELF and not for others as I tried to think or project. When I put that in my pipe and smoked it [not literally, just my metaphor for contemplation], I had to do some heavy evaluating about my life as a Christian and a follower of Jesus.

This last statement segues into my final thought.

It was when I discovered that Jesus had boundaries in His relationships with people that set me to thinking in a new way. Boy, was that an eye-opener. While the scriptures don't speak of boundaries specifically, I found that Jesus modeled such in His own life. He never seemed to make a choice that was because someone else had made a bad choice. His choices seemed to be genuinely independent of whatever someone else wanted or desired in the moment. He wasn't pressured into them. His motives for what He chose to do were higher than that and maybe even of a different kind than that.

So He was, it seemed to me, never a victim of circumstances. Even those that damaged Him. He was never at the mercy of the actions of other people. He never seemed to act out of desperation and never did something because if He didn't do SOMETHING, others might be hurt, suffer pain, or suffer some kind of discomfort. In other words, He was never seemed to be a victim. Yet He never seemed to NOT love or NOT care for others or NOT have the actual best interest of others at heart. Amazing!

His actions certainly seemed to me to be above the realm of having been done so He personally would not be the cause of others having an uncomfortable experience in life. His choices seemed to be determined by what, in fact, He saw as something the Father intended for Him. There was a greater something in view than being at the whim and mercy of others' plight. What was it about Him in human relationships?

It was almost as if Jesus had taken a divine step of applying the proverbial oxygen mask [of life] to Himself BEFORE He ever attempted to get others to see and experience their need for an oxygen mask [of life]. 


In fact, it was His ability to evaluate life APART from others and their needs that aided His ability to bring real healthy life to others. Any frequent flyer will understand what I mean by that having heard the instructions of stewardesses many times. But few of us seem to understand it relationally.

Jesus did apparently understand it and what I saw and came to see about Him I will attempt to explain in this thing of boundaries. I will attempt to show how boundaries will help us in having REAL relationships in our marriage, family, with friends, and even in the Church. Those relationships will be characterized as graceful, respectful and healthy. Which may just be another way of saying Christlike.

That post next time.

Paul B.

SPORTS AND IDOLATRY___PART 3

I'm in the process of giving a couple of suggestions for the avoidance of the creation of idols in your life whether in the arena of sports or any other venue. This is the third and final such post. 


[A personal word...I'll be away from the ability to check the comments made for a few days , but I'll eventually respond to all.] 


The first suggestion, in the last post, was that we learn to see ALL things as gifts from God [1 Corinthians 4] and as resources for making life better, but only God is the source for what makes life worth living. That means that all things in our life will have a proper place, whether it's some activity or a relationship, but they [things or relationships] will neither suffer from neglect nor control you. In other words, they NEVER become a substitute for God in your life.

Now for the second suggestion to help us with idol making. It is that we learn to understand that  Christianity is NOT something you do, Christianity is who you are by the grace and life of God Himself. He is NOT FIRST in some hierarchical list of things you do, but He is your life.  


To reinforce and illustrate this point, I'm going to change metaphors in this present post from the last two. You may recall the illustration of the hub and spokes that I used in the last two posts, I want to use an old illustration now that I first heard in a message by my friend Rich Anthony, pastor of the Grace Fellowship Church, in Norman Oklahoma. No illustration is perfect and, in fact, any would leave something to be desired. But they help I think. 


Think of a one gallon jar. [Picture this in your mind as we go along.] Think of a number of stones laying beside it. Each stone has a name. Wife, [or husband] kids, job, church attendance, financial giving, recreation, physical exercise, school, paying debts, social activities, favorite sports teams, you name it, it's there. Now place all the stones in the jar. [Do you see it?] 


Let's assume the jar is big enough to hold ALL of them although the stones may be of differing sizes representing differing levels of significance that each may have to you. 

Now, [in your mind] slowly pour water in the jar until it is full to the brim. What you wind up having is a jar, stones, and water. Now the interpretation.

The jar is YOU in union with Christ. [You are Christ's and Christ is God's. 1 Corinthians 3:23.] He IS your life and He is your source for life worth living. He's your all and in all because He is the essence of life itself and you are IN UNION WITH HIM. 


The stones are things you do and relationships you have with people and possessions like money, time, marriage, job, church people and so forth. No one is saying each is the same in importance. They're not obviously. But you will see in a moment that all are to be viewed as sacred because of who you are. 


The water is the Holy Spirit [in you] who permeates and touches every thing and every relationship that is part of your life. He touches everything. There is no separation from anything that is you. Because He is the essence of your life ALL OF YOUR LIFE IS SACRED. [Remember, no illustration is perfect and cannot completely show the truth of spiritual things.]


Now___whatever it is that you DO, you will always be DOING it as a Christian. Where you GO, you will always be GOING there as a Christian. The Christian experience is NOT doing different kinds of THINGS such as bible reading/prayer as opposed to movies, golf or yard work, or going to different kinds of PLACES, such as church/revival meetings as opposed to work, sporting events, or fishing.  


This is why the things done in life or places you go in life CANNOT be called sacred as opposed to secular, because all of your life experiences are sacred experiences by virtue of WHO YOU ARE IN CHRIST. This was made clear in my last post. 


Some things you could choose to do and some places you could choose to go might be chosen against, it is true. But this is NOT because they are secular as opposed to sacred, evil as opposed to godly, or unchristian as opposed to Christian. You and I would do or not do, go or not go, because of something entirely different. We do all things we do for His "glory." [Doxa] That simply means we recognize Him present and real in it all. You are free to go or do on that basis biblically. It is NOT declaring things good or bad.


Paul the Apostle clearly had this understanding when he warned against adultery or fornication as a Christian. In 1 Corinthians 6:15 he says this, "What? Know you not that he who is joined to an harlot is one body? For two, said He, shall be one flesh." Then in verse 20 he said, "for you are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body and your spirit, which are God's."


Sex is neither sinful nor holy within itself. For the Christian, if sex is performed as the celebration of marriage, it is a holy action. [Hebrews says the marriage bed is undefiled.] For the Christian, if sex is performed outside the celebration of marriage, it is an unholy act. 


 So it is whose/who we are that makes something good or bad, right or wrong, helpful or hurtful, not whether it's a sacred or secular thing or place. That kind of dualistic thinking may make it easy to measure how YOU think you're doing spiritually, but it DOESN'T measure anything spiritual in reality. Paul the Apostle declares in 1 Corinthians 2:14-16 that you ARE spiritual.


So seeing all things as gifts from God to you, and seeing that being a Christian is NOT something you do, but who you are, which impacts ALL you do, will keep ANYTHING from being a substitute [idol] for God in your life because He IS YOUR LIFE. [Read this statement again.]


I will summarize with this concluding word....


1___All things are yours as a Christian. [1 Corinth. 4]


2___Nothing is to be done out of FEAR, [If He's not first He will be angry, if He's not first, I won't be blessed.]  but because of FAITH. [Perfect love casts our fear]


3___Sports and sporting events are, as are all other things, just tools or resources for the Christian and can make life a little more pleasurable, but are not secular or evil things within themselves.  


4___Religious things like church attendance, bible reading, giving, are just tools or resources for the Christian to make life a little better but are not sacred or spiritual things either. They have their time and place in your life but don't measure your spirituality by them. 


[If you go to church MORE or LESS than you go to football games for example or if you read your bible MORE or LESS than you read the newspaper you're more spiritual than someone else.]


5___The Christian life is Christ as my life. Now I can choose to go places and choose to do things not because some are sacred and some are secular, but because I'm a Christian in ALL THINGS and NO THING will be an idol in my life.  I can do ALL THINGS for His glory. 




Paul B.